Friday, October 17, 2008


I hate birds. Anyone who knows me could tell you that I have a perhaps abnormal fear/loathing of birds. Birds of all sizes and kinds, though there is a sort of spectrum of how awful they are. Big birds and birds of prey are worst. Baby birds and flightless birds are best (specifically baby penguins. even I can admit they're sort of cute. for birds). Birds are disease ridden. They have beady eyes and pointy beaks. And those gross, gross feet. THEY HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THEIR BOWELS. Seriously, is there anything grosser? And they can fly around, leaving you vulnerable to having your eyes pecked out AT ANY MOMENT. Plus, they are dinosaurs.

So it really irritates me when there are cutesy wedding things with birds all over them. I want cutesy wedding things, but I do not want those evil disease carriers anywhere near my special day. Look at this one! Those birds are perched on the edge of those glasses, waiting to lose control of their bowels all in your drink! In this invitation , these birds are eating your beautifully crafted centerpieces! Make them stop! And here: who wants to look at those dinosaurs while they eat? Yuck!

But more than anything, I hate being called a lovebird. I am a human being. I AM NOT A FUCKING BIRD. THAT IS GROSS.