better later than never?

So the husband and I have begun our epic roadtrip and I, like a chump, left the disc of wedding photos at home. So six weeks from now I'll post more. Sorry.

the hub

Here's the problem: I have lots of very nice people willing to help me in this last 10 days. However, I also have a zillion people emailing me to ask me questions or finalize details or whatever. For me to email one of those very nice people to ask them to take care of whatever needs taken care of takes as long as it would take for me to just respond to the original email. Either that or they need some info which, of course, I have and no one else does.

(I spent like 3 minutes trying to make the last clause of that last sentence work with "I'm the only one who has" or "I'm the only haver of" or some such....English grammar is so tricky.)

Anyway, when The Mister and are cutting that cake, and I can look around at all our friends and family--with only the dancing to go--that's when I will enjoy all this wedding business.

blog-worthy

I feel like there are a million things to say and yet no creative juice to say them. This week--no, this month has left me tapped out. Hopefully more to come soon. We shall see.

on and on and on

So, I sort of apologize for my lack of regular posting. I only sort of apologize because I've entered what The Mister refers to as "finals freak out mode" and what could be referred to as "wedding freak out mode" and thus, this blog isn't exactly high on my priority list. Sorry, suckers.

The poll on my sailor's mouth has closed. The vote was 10-1 in favor of "Who gives a shit?" and as it turns out, the 1 "My sensitive ears!" vote was by my bridesmaid who-direct quote here- "thought it was funny." So apparently no one is offended and I will continue to curse with abandon.

My shower was this weekend. It was lovely. Lots of people came who I thought wouldn't, and a few people didn't who I thought would. I guess that's how it always goes. I was so happy to see everyone that I almost didn't notice how exhausting it is to be the center of attention all that time. But seriously, it was very touching to me how many great women there are in my life and how they all are so excited about my marrying The Mister.

We also met with the caterer, the location lady, and the wedding planner. There was a lot of "what should we do about x?" followed by the three of them discussing, turning to me and the Mister for a response and us saying something like "uuuh...whatever you think?" and their agreeing that that whatever they decided what the right choice. In short: exactly what we needed. I was sort of feeling silly about hiring a wedding planner given that a lot of the stuff I did on my own, but I will say in that hour she more than made it all worth it.

I also had my second (and final!) dress fitting. It turns out my shoulders are uneven. So that's good to know, in case I ever wanted to be self-conscious about something new.

P.S. Has anyone seen a guestbook idea that they love? And that wouldn't be ridiculously pricey? Your help is much appreciated.

fraying around the edges

Well, the RSVPs just keep coming. So far: 62 yes, 17 no, and 41 not yet replieds. (This breakdown despite the fact that they were due today. Not one of member of my mom's side of the family has sent in the card. Seriously? It's not that hard people. You write your name and how many people are in your party. Then you put it in the envelope and into the mailbox. NOT THAT HARD.) Anyway, it's actually great because it makes me really excited to come home and check the mail. Who might have responded today?? Will any gifts have arrived? (Nevermind the fact that I know exactly which gifts have been purchased off the registry seeing as I check it compulsively. It's still exciting to get boxes.)

Unfortunately, my level of excitement about wedding planning generally is way lower than my level of excitement about the mail coming everyday. In fact, I find myself ready to have a nervous breakdown just thinking about surviving the next month. Why did I schedule my own wedding one week after law school ends? Why do I hate myself so? Anyway, I am basically unable to think about anything wedding-related because my coping mechanism with being as stressed out and frazzled as I am is the oh-so-helpful "if I don't think about it, it's not happening" technique. Otherwise known as The Ostrich Strategy. It may not be helpful, but at least I'm not crying in the law school computer lab right now. Yet.

return to the living

Well, friends, I am now well enough to leave my apartment! This is a serious improvement, given that until today I had literally left my apartment only once in the last week: to go to the doctor. And it wasn't until this weekend that I even felt well enough to relocate from the bed to the couch. The flu sucks.

So anyway, it occurs to me that I feel like I should be doing a million wedding-related things, and I have no idea what any of those things might be. I am sure that a good bride-to-be would be making lists and checking things off those lists, and furiously sending emails to various people. I, however, am mostly just waiting for it all to be over.

spitting fire

I’m so mad I almost can’t write this post. Almost.

I have often read accounts of other brides being forced to invite people by their parents or their in-laws and pitied said brides. I've often thought how lucky I am to have such an understanding family and future in-laws, unlike those poor, wretched souls. I should have known this would come back to bite me.

Two years ago (yes, literally), when the Mister and I first assembled our tentative guest list, I asked both sets of parents if there was anyone in particular they insisted we invite that we might not think of. I was told there surely wasn’t, and that however we wanted to do it was fine.

We made a big deal out of trying to keep it as small as possible, but still including all the really important people in our lives. (If it were just up to me, it’d be me, the Mister, and our immediate families on some deserted island. The Mister has a big family and they’re close, though, and so we decided to do it close to home and invite all of them. And I’m pleased we did.)

But so apparently The Mister’s Mom took this directive as “FAMILY ONLY, NO BLOOD RELATION, NO CARE,” which it wasn’t. When we said something about The Mister’s cousin’s live-in boyfriend (they’ve been dating for about 6 years or something, and he comes to all the family functions, and as far as I’m concerned, they might as well be married) being invited, she sort of flipped out. She was concerned that she had been spreading the wrong message to the family (which she had) and implied that this was my fault (which it wasn't). In order to placate her, I assured her I’d send her the guest list so she could see what we were thinking and let us know if we had somehow missed someone important. I should have known what I was really saying was “PLEASE, UNIVERSE, SMITE ME.”

She called the Mister the afternoon I sent her the guest list to discuss three people she was concerned we’d left off. Two were a couple that the Mister’s parents are friends with, and I’ve literally never met. One was a creepy dude who comes to the big camping trip the Mister’s extended family does every Memorial Day. I guess he’s a family friend, but he seriously skeezes me out. And if there’s something I don’t want to be on my fucking wedding day, it’s skeezed out. Regardless, she began pointing out people on the list who she didn’t think were as worthy of an invitation as these three (all our friends, natch). The Mister politely informed her that the people on the list were close to us, and her suggested additional invitees were not, and, furthermore, should we have room for three more people, there are many people closer to us than they that would be next on the list. However, we didn’t want to invite three more people at all because, as I mentioned earlier, we are trying to keep it as small as possible.

In fact, I had a full discussion with the Mister’s Mom a few months ago about the importance to me of keeping it small, and how this strong desire was not just money-related (though obviously that’s a constraining factor too). I want to know and love every single person there. I want to be able to talk to everyone. I want it to feel like a party and not some kind of business meeting. I want there to be a NO RANDOMS ALLOWED policy. And, frankly, I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Not even a little bit. Particularly when I’m paying for the fucking thing. But even if I weren’t.

Cut to this morning. At 8 AM, the Mister received an email from his mother which says:

Your father and I have talked extensively about the guest list that you sent us. I know that you do not feel compelled to follow the standards of common etiquette, but being old, I feel the need to. Because the wedding is so close to home, there are a few people that we need to invite. If the wedding were in Oshkosh, we could get away with not inviting. I checked the [wedding venue] and see that the tent will hold up to 250 people for a dinner, so space should not be an issue. We will be more than happy to pay for these additional guests. If you need additional to also cover the extra invitations, we will be happy to cover that also.

[She then lists 8 additional guests and their mailing addresses, including the couple she wanted to invite over a month ago, but not including the creepy dude. I have not met a single one of them. The Mister hasn’t met at least 2 of them. She then suggests seating arrangements for these guests and closes with…]

I am trying to live with your guidelines of keeping it small so you all can get around to talk to everyone. You do not have to feel compelled to talk to these people, that is our job. We will be happy to entertain them.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I threw what could charitably be referred to as a temper tantrum about it this morning, making the Mister (who is actually on my side here) mad at me. There are so many things about this that INFURIATE ME. Not the least of which is that apparently I do not feel compelled to “follow the standards of common etiquette.” Oh, and that she doesn’t care at all about what I want for my wedding day. Oh, and that she’s pulling this shit exactly 2 months before the wedding (when the invitations, by the way, have already been printed). Oh, and that she suggests that instead of getting to talk to all the guests like we wanted, we just not do that. Oh, and that insists that they “need” to invite these people WHO I’VE NEVER FUCKING MET. No. That is not a need. That is a want. And that is also not. going. to. happen.

snapped

I have decided I hate wedding blogs. That's an overstatement. I have decided I am sick of most wedding blogs. I still love the individual brides blogging about their interesting or personal details of their own up-coming or recently-passed weddings. What I hate are the big, pretty conglomerate sites with their gorgeous (though frankly, after a while, totally indistinguishable) photos and supposedly helpful tips. You are not helpful. You are not inspirational. You are irritating to me right now.

This is the post that threw me over the edge. Here are my thoughts, as I'm reading the post...

1. Hey, her name is Kate! Awesome!
2. Oh, and her fiance is a law student! So she knows law school sucks!
3. Wait, "the trick to this whole planning thing for me has been including him without interrupting his vital study time"? Seriously? Ooookay.
4. She's referring to her fiance as Superman? Is that what I'm to understand?
5. I'm just going to post the rest of the article in its entirety because it is so mind-blowing/numbing:

In an effort to give Superman a choice, I researched around 75 bakeries and narrowed it down to 40, then presented him with those options. He was overwhelmed and I translated that as disinterest. He became frustrated and after some thoughtful discussion, he said something brilliant.

"We can’t do everything. We have to pick what’s best. Best for us; Best for our wedding, yes, but best for our time and schedules.”

This outlook was new to me and oh so very helpful in the many discussions since. I just have to keep in mind that sometimes, protecting our stress levels and schedules is just as much a design decision as protecting our need to have the best baker in the city.

The stress of planning a wedding can be compounded by so many everyday requirements. I’m glad to be planning a wedding that reflects where we are right now, with all the challenges and difficulty this time includes. Will it reflect a couple who had hours and hours to call every baker in town? No. It will reflect a couple who made stylish choices in the face of other responsibilities and pursuits. I hope, and oh how I know it will reflect a couple deep enough in love to withstand a 2000 mile separation. A couple prepared for a lifetime of obstacles and happiness.

She asks whether her wedding will reflect a couple who had hours and hours to call every baker in town, and then says it won't. Well, somehow she found the hours and hours necessary to call or otherwise research SEVENTY FRENCHING FIVE BAKERS and then narrow them down to FORTY and was pissy when her Superman couldn't find time to call each one and find the best of them all. She thinks it's a revelation when her Superman tells her they need to do what's best for them?! Really?

Anyway, I shouldn't be so harsh on this poor Kate. It's not her. It's me. I've been reading these blogs for much too long now and it's posts like this one--every day, posts like this one--that have rotted my brain.

These posts aren't even as bad as the others like "We have THE LOVELIEST WEDDING OF ALL TIME to show you" with photos (where the photographer certainly cost over $5,000) of things like huge centerpieces I can tell you definitely cost over $100 a piece with little notes saying things like "the bride wanted all her guests to feel welcome, so she wrote them each an individual note telling them how happy she was that they came all the way to Timbuktu for her wedding." Subtext: why aren't you writing individual notes to your guests, you lazy, ungrateful woman? "The bride is a graphic designer, so she designed her own amazing, letterpress invites (at half the cost!)" Half of a zillion dollars is still a half-zillion dollars, but the subtext? Why can't you be crafy enough to do things for your wedding too, lazy? Or why can't you just suck it up and spend the money on pretty invitations--you really need to have them. "The bride wanted to save money on the dress, but as soon as she put on this Vera Wang gown, she knew it was The One, so she just had her friend the tailor make her a reproduction." Subtext: I need new friends, apparently.

I will probably come back and edit this post to be somewhat more coherent when I'm in less of a wedding fatigue-induced rage. But until then, let me say this: "style me pretty" doesn't even make sense. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHY WOULD YOU SAY IT LIKE THAT?

springtime, please

I got back from my lovely San Francisco trip Monday and have been mostly worthless since then. Seriously. I have skipped half of my classes this week, done very little of my reading, generally failed to study for the ethics portion of the bar exam which I have to take on Saturday, and hadn't worked out until this morning. I think I'm experiencing some serious end-of-winter ennui, coupled with a bad case of senioritis. Too bad spring won't come to the frozen arctic wasteland I'm currently stuck in for another 2 months or so, and I still need to, you know, graduate.

So the invitations lady sent more paper samples. I still don't like them. (Seriously, is emerald really that weird?) But you know what else I don't like? Not having them done. So I just went with it. Whatever. Ideally, I'd like for invitations to go out next weekend, so you know, no time for pussy-footing around.

And the officiant lady emailed me to be like "so...about that wedding thing..." and I emailed her back to be like "yeah, we should do that." So I guess that's done.

The other day I was talking to the Mister, and he said something to the effect of "I really can't wait until this wedding planning stuff is over." Which I wholeheartedly agree with, but I also wonder what the hell I'll obsess over next. Also, wtf? He's ready for it to be over? As though he's been doing a lot of the planning? Though maybe it's more of a commentary on life with me through the process...