it's the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)

So, here it is: 2009. This will be a big year for me, what with becoming a married lady in May, graduating law school in that same month, moving to Chicago later in the summer to start a real lawyer-job, and hopefully buying a house (please financing, loosen up!) and turning 25 so's I can rent cars willy-nilly. Okay the last one's not so big. But I mean, I'm going to go from a student, living like a student, to a married lawyer (hopefully) homeowner. That's a big year.

Anyway, now a story about the end of 2008. My grandmother was reviewing our registry (our registry which I have slaved over and over and over) to decide what she would get for us, and she noticed we had registered for Calphalon knives (made in Japan). She seemed concerned, because she knew that German knives are the sort of industry standard, and she said she wanted to talk to my uncle who cooks a lot about it. She spoke to him and called me later to confirm that he said that German knives are really the way to go but then cautioned "I mean, I don't know. The Japanese really are always cutting things." (Her logic is unassailable.)

Anyway, after much research and stress, I have decided to change the registry and go with the German knives, in large part because the Japanese knives, while sharper and maintaining sharpness longer (good!) tend to rust if not washed and dried immediately after use. Several of the reviews I read mentioned that they had cut something, put the knife in the sink, and when they came back at the end of the meal to find their expensive Japanese knife rusted. Not cool. I mean, I can take care of nice things, but seriously, that's just too much.

So as I'm doing this research I ask the Mister to help me look at knife reviews and he responds "I'm not sure I have any special insight here." Which I of course interpret as "I don't have access to special information, it's the same interwebs I would use. You should do all the research and plan the entire wedding all by yourself with no help from me or anyone even when it's something stupid and gender-neutral and I might actually care about, like knives." This led to a minor wedding-related breakdown where I admitted I'm just stressed out about this whole wedding. The Mister helpfully asked what I was stressed out about and I was able to make this list: (1) we have no officiant and no idea on how to find an officiant to do a civil ceremony other than the web, and some of their websites are ATROCIOUS. The Mister agreed this is a valid concern and offered to help me do some research and to make time to go back to Wedding City for us to meet with candidates some time soon. (2) I have no vision for how to decorate the area where we're having both the ceremony and reception. It's a brick patio with a white tent to one side, and it's lovely on its own and we'll have floral centerpieces on the tables, so that's the most of it. Still I feel like I should figure out how to arrange the cake table and where to put the guestbook and whether we should do some kind of pretty lighting (I love those globe paper lanterns) and if we should do an "heirloom table" with pictures of our grandparents on their wedding days and if we need a big floral arrangement with the place cards and if we should do placecards at all our a big seating chart and.... The Mister's response to this concern was basically "wait, didn't we pick this location because it's pretty?" "Yes." "So...isn't it just going to be pretty?" (3) Have we made a huge mistake with the registry? I never would have second guessed our knife choice if my grandmother hadn't mentioned it to us, and then we would have ended up with a bunch of rust balls with very expensive and aesthetically pleasing hilts because that's all I looked at. What if the same thing is true of our plates? Or our food processor? OR ALL OF IT WHAT IF WE DID IT WRONG, ALL WRONG?! The mister's response to this concern was basically "well yeah, but at least we'll be married people with rust balls." Damn him and his level head.

So, now, in the spirit of this day, a few resolutions...

Wedding related resolutions:
1. I will remember the purpose of the day--to have a sweet fucking party for all our friends and family--and not inflate its importance. We're practically married already and we'll be actually married afterward regardless. The rest is gravy.
2. I will ask for help when I need it, specifically from the Mister.
3. I will not let the other pretty blogs and other crazy brides on the Knot freak me out. It is my wedding, it is not a competition.

Non-wedding related resolutions:
1. I will value my health, meaning I will eat mindfully and exercise. I will consider this an investment in my health rather than a means to weight-loss.
2. I will appreciate being a student while it lasts, even if I do hate law school. I will enjoy having so much free time and flexibility in my schedule because it will soon be over.
3. I will do a better job of showing the people in my life how much I love them and how important they are to me.
4. I will not bring "throwaway" items into my house. I will stop buying cheap crap which I will just have to replace soon anyway and instead save up to buy something more worthwhile, substantial, and lasting.

fight the power

So I was reading an article today about Danica McKellar (aka Winnie Cooper of the Wonder Years, and Elsie Snuffin if you're as big a West Wing fan as I am and stuck it out past season 5.). She has her PhD (I think) in math and is otherwise just a crazy-smart super-nerd. She wrote a book called Kiss My Math aimed toward tween girls, to get them to believe that it's okay to be smart and not just boy-crazy. She was on the Today show this morning and explained that "she wanted to put math in terms girls could understand, like boys and popularity." (Then Al Roker told her he would have been more interested in math if his teacher looked like her. Sigh.)

So my internal question is this: can you fight the problem if you're still kind of buying into it?

I am a little conflicted about a lot of wedding planning. On the one hand, I really want to have an amazing gathering for all of our friends and family. And I know people can do that for pennies on the dollar, but you know what? I can't. I don't want to ask my family to cater or do flower arrangements. I don't want to DIY my invitations. Hell, I don't really want to DIY anything. I am not that crafty.

On the other hand, though, I don't want to buy into this idea that you have to have a fancy caterer and flower arrangement and the best invitations. I don't want to, but I totally have.

I read somewhere that the average cost of a wedding in the US these days is somewhere in the neighborhood of $30,000. Particularly in this economy, it's hard not to think about all the "better" places that money could be going. But I guess at the end of the day, I'm only doing this once and I want it to be perfect. We're not extravagant people, and our wedding won't be either, but I have definitely bought into a lot of things that I didn't think I would and I'm not totally comfortable that I have. I guess the uneasiness is probably a good sign--I think if I were spending this much money willy-nilly, someone should probably have stopped me by now.

I am the luckiest

So I'm one week from freedom, meaning right now I'm mired in...nonsense. But a lot of icky news has come out today--some of which you may have read about in papers or blogs, and some of which is confidential. But most of what I'm talking about centers around women being placed in such awful situations that they have (or at least believe they have) no good choices. Their options are something like let a professor get away with assaulting you or out yourself as a prostitute and ruin your career forever. Anyway, it's the choices these women have that I'm thinking about today as I try to study. And I'm trying to remember that, no matter how much I have a crappy day or have to do things I don't want to (like study, for instance) I am so, so blessed to have, on the whole, a world of great options laying out before me. Suddenly cake or cheesecake doesn't really seem like it should generate any stress at all.

pity post

So I always get mad when my favorite blogs don't update as often as I want them to. Not that I believe this is anyone's favorite blog, but I do feel a sense of obligation to keep updating. Anyway, consider this a pity post, because I have nothing of note to talk about.

That's not entirely true, I suppose. It's just that I've been sick for what feels like a year (and is actually about 11 days) and FINALS are upon us. When I was an undergrad, I actually enjoyed finals period. It meant no classes, and the tests were not hard, so I never studied. FINALS in law school are something completely different. Something ominous. It means no classes, sure, but more than that it means at least 8 straight hours of studying. Day after day. It's even harder this year because I have a job for post-graduation lined up, so the motivation to do well is...well, not real high. Probably why I'm here writing this rather than writing that pesky trademarks outline.

Anyway, I guess I do have at a couple of wedding-related updates. First, apparently the Mister's Mother complained to her niece that she wasn't being included in any wedding decisions. The niece told the Mister, and the Mister told me. Siiiigh. (Also, what is this, 6th grade? She couldn't just tell me?!) It's not that I'm purposefully excluding her, it's just that almost all the decisions made thus far have been made by me, alone, behind this computer, sitting on my couch 250 miles from the Mister's Mother. And frankly, the Mister's Mother is a lovely, helpful woman, but her taste is often...different from my own. Nonetheless, the last thing I want to do is hurt this lovely woman's feelings, so I resolved to include her in what I could.

Second, we have decided on cake. My sister/maid of honor, the Mister, the Mister's Mother (see what I did there?) and I tasted cheesecakes and "regular cakes" over the holiday, and though the regular cake was admittedly quite tasty and moist, the cheesecake was a clear winner. The Mister and I are much bigger fans of cheesecake than regular cake, and this cheesecake was particularly yummy. They decorate 'em up to look like regular cakes with the tiers and whatnot, and we can do different flavors in different layers. I think we're going with plain, raspberry swirl, and turtle. Get excited. I know I am. Excited and hungry. I should go get some breakfast.

so much hungry

So throughout the bridal blogging world (and it is a CRAZY world, for those of you uninitiated), there's a lot of self-hate and body-bashing. I will attempt to not do that now. It's understandable--there's a lot of pressure to look great on your big day, coupled with the camera adding ten pounds...it's a recipe for disordered eating/body image. It's actually very much like putting every woman into a TV show for a year or so. It's not healthy. Anyway, I read these blogs of seriously size 4 women bashing how chubby they are, and hating on themselves for having that burger last night, and lamenting that they're not a size 0. It makes me sad.

All of that being said, I've been battling my weight off and on (that is, I've always been heavier than I might have liked, but often have said fuck it and eaten whatever and however much I want anyway) for as long as I can remember. And I'm susceptible to the same pressures. So I'm trying to eat healthier, and less in preparation for the wedding. And you know what? It sucks. I like fatty, greasy, sugary foods. And LOTS OF THEM. I hate being hungry. But I try to rationalize that this is a long-term thing to make myself healthier, and not a quick fix to look hot in my dress. Looking hot is just a side benefit. A very large side benefit.

So, I basically just said I hate this kind of post and then went on to make it. Being a bride makes me awful, and I apologize.

"fuck them, it's my wedding"

From the jump, I told everyone who would think it was funny that the motto of my wedding was going to be "fuck them, it's my wedding."

For instance, I have stepsisters to whom I'm not all that close, though I was in the younger one's wedding and they both call me their "sister." They're not going to be in the wedding. You know why? Because fuck them, it's my wedding.

I'm not doing favors. Fuck them, it's my wedding.

I'm walking down the aisle by myself, despite the fact that I have a good relationship with both my parents. Fuck them, it's my wedding. (More on this later, likely.)

Yet somehow, I feel like every decision I've made since the beginning of our engagement has been about what other people want and what they'd like in our wedding. Which is all well and good, but I just sort of wish I'd kept my irreverant (if, you know, rude) spirit. It was good for my mental health while it lasted.

Luckiest Girl Ever

I'm a law student, and this semester I'm working in a clinic that deals with child protective proceedings. My biggest case is representing a mom who's had her kid taken away because the dad was abusive to the mom in front of the kid. The mom since moved out, is in counseling, and is basically trying to put the pieces of her life back together--and get her daughter back. It's kind of a long story, but basically, the caseworker for the state hates my client and will stop at nothing to keep this kid in her foster home. It makes my stomach hurt to think about.

Anyway, after a long day of dealing with this shit, I come home and get in my warm and comfy bed, curled up with my laptop and O the Oprah Magazine (always a good way to feel better about the world). After a while, the Mister calls to say he's on his way home, and offers to stop at Chipotle to bring me a delicious dinner. Sometimes I forget that I really am the luckiest girl in the world. It's sad that it takes dealing with some of the unluckiest people for me to recognize it.

And because this post was depressing, and I've broken the seal on photos, I leave you with this:

Wait, why?

One of the things I'm trying super-hard to do throughout this process is to ask myself why I want certain things. For instance, until last month I was growing my hair out because I believed brides had long hair. Check out any wedding website, and you will see lots of brides growing out their hair for the big day.



Carrie Underwood here is sort of the holy grail of wedding hair. And I'll admit, it's lovely. So lovely that I, too, began growing my hair out.

Here's the thing, though. My hair looks bad long. I mean, not BAD-bad, but like, it just looks much better short. I like it better short. The Mister even likes it better short (and, from what I understand, dudes typically like longer hair).

So here I am, growing my hair out because I think it's what I'm supposed to do despite the fact that the dude I'm marrying and I both think I look better when it's not that way. Isn't that about the most absurd thing you've ever heard?

It happens to me all the time with this wedding planning nonsense. The most recent example is cake. I don't particularly like cake. I mean, it's fine, and a good cake is great, but a mediocre cake (which most wedding cakes are, frankly--and certainly all of the ones we could afford are) is just not worth getting excited about. The Mister, however, loves cheesecake. I like it a lot more than regular cake. And there's a bakery in Cincinnati, where we're getting married, that does nothing but cheesecake. And they even do cheesecakes that look pretty much just like regular cakes. And yet, I still had this feeling like I should do a regular cake instead. WHY?! WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS?!

I am trying to train myself to recognize this feeling and fight it. It's MY wedding, right? It should be what I want, what I care about? Not just what I'm supposed to do? Right? In this spirit, I cut my hair. I am getting the damn cheesecake. And I'm not going to even think about getting extensions, Carrie Underwood!

p.s. photos!